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29 Jokes

15 like 0 dislike
A man on his deathbed to his wife: "I have something to confess to you."
Wife: "No, dear, I need you to save up your energy."
Man: "But I need you to know that I cheated on you."
Wife: "Oh, I know that. That's why I poisoned you."
11 like 0 dislike
How do you make your girlfriend scream while having sex?
Call her and tell her.
8 like 0 dislike
A husband and wife are laying in their bed...

Wife: If I die will you have another woman in this bed?
Husband: Yeah.
Wife: Will you marry her?
Husband: Maybe.
Wife: Will you let her use my golf clubs?
Husband: Of course not.
Wife: Why not?
Husband: She's left-handed.
5 like 0 dislike
Guy: I love marriage. I've had 3 wives and each was amazing.
His friend: I didn't know you had been married.
Guy: Nope. Never been.
5 like 0 dislike
Husband: Say something that will make me both happy and sad at the same time.
Wife: You have a much bigger dick than your brother!
5 like 0 dislike
4 like 0 dislike
When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her.
4 like 0 dislike
What is the difference between stress, tension, and panic?
Stress: Your wife is pregnant.
Tension: Your girlfriend is pregnant.
Panic: Your wife and girlfriend are pregnant.
4 like 0 dislike
A man catches his wife in bed with another man and yells "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" His wife turns to the man she's in bed with and says "see, I told you he's an idiot!"
4 like 0 dislike
a wife suspects that her husband is having some connections with their maid. one night she sleeps in the maids room.  a man comes in and starts having sex with her. after that the wife turns the lights on and says "I knew there was something between you two". a surprised DRIVER asks her "what are YOU doing here madam!!!
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3 like 0 dislike
What 3 words do women most hate to hear while having sex?
"Honey, I'm home!"
2 like 0 dislike
A husband came home early from work and saw a man jogging naked. He asked the naked man "why are you jogging naked?" The guy said "because you came home early."
2 like 0 dislike
Some husbands come in handy around the house. Others come in unexpectedly...
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2 like 0 dislike
80% of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat overseas.
2 like 0 dislike
What is a man's definition of safe sex?
Meeting his mistress at least 20 miles from his house.
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2 like 0 dislike
A guy gets into a cab and tells the cabbie he'll give him $100 if he goes to a whorehouse, grabs his wife, puts her in the back of the cab and takes them home. So the cabbie agrees and goes in. A couple of minutes later the whorehouse gets kicked open and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man "here, hold her!" The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE!" The cabbie replied "I KNOW, IT'S MINE. I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!"
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2 like 0 dislike
When the husband came from office he saw his wife on bed with a stranger. He asks her what she was doing. She said this guy had came for begging. I gave him a old jacket you hadn't used for 10 years. Then i gave him a pair of old shoes that you hadn't used for 15 years. Then the stranger asked me if there was something which had not been used for long.
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2 like 0 dislike
A woman is having sex with her husband's best friend when the phone rings. It's her husband's ringtone, so she stops to pick it up.
There's a big grin on her face as she talks to him. When she puts in down, she turns to her lover.
"Okay," she says. "We have lots of time to fuck. My husband's out, playing pool with you."
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edited by MC Jester
1 like 0 dislike
A man walked told his guy friends at the office his wife had given him an ultimatum. She said he wouldn't get any sex until he quit smoking.

"How long do you think you can hold out?" they asked. He replied "until my girlfriend dies."
1 like 0 dislike
I came home to find a man in bed with my wife. I said "who said you could sleep with my wife?" He said "everybody!"
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1 like 0 dislike
A man needs a mistress to break the monogamy.
1 like 0 dislike
"My girlfriend broke up with me and left a note saying she ran off with the tractor salesman. I was destroyed when I read the John Deere letter."
0 like 0 dislike
How does a woman know her man is cheating on her?
He starts bathing twice a week.
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0 like 0 dislike
What city cheats on their exams?
Peking
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0 like 0 dislike
A little honey is good for your health, unless your wife finds out...
0 like 0 dislike
"I'm in trouble with the wife again. She came to the bar looking for me and I asked for her number."
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0 like 0 dislike
wife: I knew you were having sex with that neighbor
husband: how did you get to know
wife : last night her man was wearing your underwear
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0 like 0 dislike
There are three guys going to Pearly Gates.
The first guy walks in Pearly Gates and Peter says "How many times have you cheated on your wife?" and the guy replied "twice" so Peter gave him an old car from the 70s, the guy drove off. Then the second guy walks in and Peter says "How many times have you cheated on your wife?" and the guy replied "only once" so Peter gave him a Honda, the guy drove off. The third guy walks in and Peter sayd "How many times have you cheated on your wife?" and the guy replied "none, I have been loyal to her" so Peter gave him a cadillac and the guy drove off.
Later that day the first guy met the third guy at a bar, when the third guy got there he walked in crying. The first guy said "What's wrong?" and the third guy answered "I saw my wife, she was on a bike!"
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0 like 0 dislike
This old guy is having sex with this lady when all of a sudden she hears the keys in the front door. She's says hurry you need to get out quick. He doesn't have time so he runs out the back door with his backpack. He is outside and its rainning out. He notices some sort of running race so he decides to blend in because the husband saw him running out the back door. He gets in the middle of the people running.

He's trotting along and a guy comes next to him and says why don't you have clothes on. "Oh I love running free with nature." then the guy runs ahead.

Another guy comes trotting next to him. "Why are you running with your backpack"

"Oh I like to have my things so when I finish I can just go on my way." The guy trots ahead.

This other guy starts running next to him and asks "Do you always wear a condom when you are running a marathon?"

"Only when it rains"
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